Dear Friends of German Humour,
I hoped that by the time I’d be sending this, Germany would be four-time European champions. Alas, it wasn’t to be after defeat to Spain in the quarter-finals. To be fair, it is extra difficult to win if the opposition are allowed to play with two goalkeepers.
It’s difficult to win the Euros and it’s just as difficult to win an Olympic medal, which is why Britain very cleverly invented the Commonwealth Games.
The Commonwealth Games, where British full-time athletes compete against the finest postmen, plumbers and bus drivers from Montserrat, Dominica and the Solomon Islands. It’s like the first round of the FA Cup all the way through. German athletes must be furious with our forefathers for not building an Empire.
I actually spent two-and-a-bit weeks at the Euros before I had to get back to Blighty for a wedding that coincided with England v Switzerland, which made me wonder who in their right mind gets married during a major tournament?!? It’s just not worth the risk.
If England lose everyone stares glumly into their pint. And if England win…well, some random aunt tells the bride she has her hair lovely, one or two might propose a toast to the happy couple but everyone else is off their rocker singing about Harry Kane and Phil Foden and no-one gives two hoots about some bleeding wedding cake.
In a nutshell: Getting married when the football is on means if Harry Kane is having a good night everyone else is having a good night and if Harry Kane is having a rotten night everyone else is having a rotten night.
Speaking of rotten nights: the Edinburgh Fringe is upon us. I will sit it out again after I thoroughly enjoyed last year not being there for the first time since 2004.
You can currently read loads of opinion pieces on how the festival has become too busy and unaffordable for up-and-coming performers who haven’t got a trust fund behind them.
I’m always cackling when I see yet another bursary scheme set up to level the playing field by handing out a few bob to performers from a working class background, especially when it involves any of the big Fringe venue such as Underbelly or the Assembly Rooms. As far as I can make out it’s them who are at the forefront of the problem!
The main difference to the Fringe of 20 years ago is that these days every bit of open space in the whole of Edinburgh has been turned into a venue, by which I mean a temporary gigantonormous beer garden with licensing until all hours and a small hut for performances somewhere in the corner as a box ticking exercise.
That performers are superfluous to the current version of the Fringe was never more obvious than during the Covid Fringe of 2021, when I was one of only a handful of performers in town but the beer gardens were the same size as always. That those beer merchants managed to access generous emergency arts funding made the situation only more grotesque.
The local council could reduce overcrowding in a heartbeat if they stopped allowing the whole of Edinburgh to morph into Oktoberfest. Hotel capacities won’t be taken up by stags and hens if they can’t go on a beer garden crawl. They won’t be coming if the only game in town is sitting through an hour of Cambridge Footlights followed by an experimental dance performance. (I am aware those two examples are as far away from working class performers as can be but you get my drift.)
Not that I blame Underbelly, Assembly and the others for being more focused on selling Tennents than tickets. At least alcohol won’t get cancelled by an online mob and, while it may cause one, doesn’t need time off to deal with a mental or physical breakdown.
Have a great summer!! And should you go to the Fringe…enjoy! It’s still great fun for a few days!!
Henning
Please find below a list of upcoming gigs. More are constantly being added. It would be great to see you at one of them!
