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December 2012

Dear Friends of German Comedy,

It’s the Queen here. No, calm down, it’s not. It’s only me.

With emotions running high I’d better not make light of Kate Middleton’s nurse’s suicide. But I immediately knew that nurse wasn’t from round here. No British employee has ever cared enough about their job to commit suicide after making a mistake.

That’s after all what Britain invented self-deprecation for. It doesn’t matter if you mess up in your line of work. As long as you can tell the tale of your underachievement in an entertaining fashion you’ll be alright and in line for promotion.

In a way, the hoax call reminded me of when I was applying for marketing jobs at the 92 English football league clubs back in 2002.

I rang all clubs to see if they had any openings, and ask whom to send my CV to.

Whoever answered Port Vale FC’s phone deserves a medal, as he made me address my application to Barry Bigtits. I was 99% sure the name was made up but a) I had nothing to lose, and b) if that really was the name of the HR person he would have very few applications on his desk as everyone would assume it’s a joke.

Sadly it was a joke.

But rather than death and job-hunting let’s end the final bulletin of the year on a more cheery note and remember what a great success 2012 has been.

Particularly the Olympic Games!

Before, everyone was convinced London 2012 would be a shambles and a half.
But then, against all the odds, it turned out very well.

Luckily since then the debate about future use of the Olympic Stadium has been living up to the expectations. It took the London Legacy Development Corporation five months to appoint West Ham as the preferred bidder! Seeing it’s only them and Leyton Orient in the vicinity you wonder how that decision could have been five months in the making.

It’s like parents pondering who to make the beneficiary of their will – their only child or their cat.

Talking of cats (seamless, I know): who remembers Alan Coren’s “Golfing for Cats”, the 1970s book with the massive swastika on the cover, combining the three most potent sales concepts of the day: golf, cats and Nazis?

There is now a 21st century sham version of that very idea! a website combining the modern British triple obsession of celebrity, charity and mobile phones.

Talking to, say, Neville Southall sets you back an outlandish 20 quid. Per minute!

A half-hour chat would cost you 600 quid! I’m pretty sure Southall does personal appearances for less.

Seriously, whatever you do, don’t phone that number – not even for a laugh or to find out if it’s for real – if I find out you rang them and are hundreds of quid down I won’t be able to forgive myself!

If you’re determined to use your phone, ring 08448 733433 and book tickets for my Authentic German Christmas Do at Leicester Square Theatre. £15.50 for 120 minutes – an astonishing 154 times cheaper than talking to Neville Southall.

Have a great end to 2012 and a sufficiently successful 2013


July 2024

18th - Lewes - Con Club - SOLD OUT
19th - London - Betsey Trotwood - SOLD OUT
21st - Tring - Tring Comedy Festival - SOLD OUT

September 2024

28th - Winchester - Theatre Royal - SOLD OUT
29th - Epsom - Playhouse - TICKETS

October 2024

3rd - Southport - Southport Comedy Festival - TICKETS
4th - Leamington Spa - Royal Spa Centre - TICKETS
8th - Wavendon - The Stables - SOLD OUT
9th - Wavendon - The Stables - SOLD OUT
10th - Wavendon - The Stables - SOLD OUT
17th - Exeter - Corn Exchange - TICKETS
18th - Exeter - Corn Exchange - TICKETS
19th - Torquay - Babbacombe Theatre - TICKETS
24th - Bridport - Electric Palace - TICKETS
25th - Bridport - Electric Palace - TICKETS

November 2024

10th - Norwich - Playhouse - SOLD OUT
11th - Norwich - Playhouse - SOLD OUT
12th - Norwich - Playhouse - SOLD OUT
14th - London - Leicester Square Theatre - TICKETS
15th - London - Leicester Square Theatre - TICKETS
16th - London - Leicester Square Theatre - TICKETS
28th - London - Leicester Square Theatre - TICKETS
29th - London - Leicester Square Theatre - TICKETS
30th - London - Leicester Square Theatre - TICKETS

February 2025

14th - Leeds - City Varieties - TICKETS
15th - Leeds - City Varieties - TICKETS
20th - Kings Lynn - Corn Exchange - TICKETS
21st - Lincoln - Engine Shed - TICKETS
22nd - Leicester - De Montfort Hall - TICKETS
27th - Hayes - Beck Theatre - TICKETS
28th - Peterborough - The Cresset - TICKETS

March 2025

1st - Northampton - Derngate - TICKETS
2nd - Wycombe - Swan - TICKETS
14th - Dunstable - The Grove - TICKETS
15th - Southend - Cliffs Pavilion - TICKETS
16th - Dartford - Orchard - TICKETS
21st - Whitley Bay - Playhouse - TICKETS
22nd - Whitley Bay - Playhouse - TICKETS
27th - Worthing - Pavilion - TICKETS
28th - Folkestone - Cliffs Pavilion - TICKETS
29th - Tunbridge Wells - Assembly Hall - TICKETS

April 2025

3rd - Evesham - The Regal - TICKETS
4th - Swindon - Wyvern Theatre - TICKETS
5th - Swindon - Wyvern Theatre - TICKETS
11th - Bath - Forum - TICKETS
12th - Guildford - G Live - TICKETS
24th - Canterbury - Marlowe - TICKETS (On General Sale 9th April 2024)
25th - Crawley - Hawth - TICKETS
26th - Reading - Hexagon - TICKETS

May 2025

2nd - Ipswich - Regent Theatre - TICKETS
3rd - Cambridge - Corn Exchange - TICKETS
8th - Malvern - Festival Theatre - TICKETS
9th - Shrewsbury - Theatre Severn - TICKETS
10th - Shrewsbury - Theatre Severn - TICKETS
15th - Crewe - Lyceum - TICKETS
16th - Buxton - Opera House - TICKETS
17th - Salford - The Lowry - TICKETS
18th - Nottingham - Theatre Royal - TICKETS
22nd - Yeovil - Westlands - TICKETS
23rd - Weymouth - Pavilion - TICKETS
24th - Poole - Lighthouse - TICKETS

June 2025

6th - Portsmouth - Theatre Royal - TICKETS
7th - Portsmouth - Theatre Royal - TICKETS


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