This Bulletin is from February 25th, 2014

February 2014

Dear Friends of German Comedy,

Sorry for not having been in touch for such a long time. Especially now that Britain isn’t being swamped by Bulgarians and Romanians but by my fellow Germans.

Felix Magath, as the new manager of Fulham, will teach the country all about the merits of discipline. (Except for financial restraint, seeing he usually leaves his employers teetering on the brink of economic meltdown and with a squad big enough to comfortably field three teams.)

But far better, the ever-delightful Angela Merkel and her trouser suit are visiting later this month. I’m absolutely gutted I’ll still be in Brazil.

Yes, Brazil! I never thought I would ever go to South America but Mark Watson and I have been commissioned by Dave, the TV station, to visit all six South American countries that have qualified for the upcoming World Cup. The programme’s goal is finding out why the continent is doing so well at football. [Spoiler alert: it turns out it’s down to dedication and commitment.]

To optimize the premise we conveniently ignore that Columbia, Ecuador and Chile never have done particularly well and that Uruguay has been waiting longer for fresh World Cup glory than a certain island in the North Sea.

To be fair, plucky Uruguay shows perfectly why football matters. It’s only got three million people but their two World Cup victories, an eternity ago, put the country firmly on the map.

Dealing with any Uruguayan business you think: “well, they’re trustworthy. They have won the World Cup. Twice!”

Whilst until an African country wins the World Cup you keep thinking “how are they going to organise democratic elections or any goods delivery if they can’t even organise their four at the back?”

Talk all you like about how countries should focus on education rather than football, but it’s worth remembering that education doesn’t score goals. Admittedly, it helps build them in the first place.

Have a great 2014


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