Dear Friends of German Comedy,
I initially planned to send this month’s newsletter in good time to advertise my solo shows in Glasgow, Leicester and London as tickets to those would have made for tremendous Christmas presents.
Unfortunately I left it too late and now the moment has passed and loads of people will be given socks and cheese graters rather than tickets to Teutonic jolliness at its best.
Ah, well, to quote Alan Shearer after England’s failed bid to host World Cup 2018: “I am not sure [I] could have done any more”.
Being less complacent might have been a good start but never mind.
Shearer’s self-congratulatory attitude was still less jarring than England bid leader Andy Anson’s whinging ‘You don’t know who to trust. It’s all done in shady backroom dealings’, after emerging from three days of extensively wining and dining foreign despots in shady backrooms.
‘What signal does this send to the world? Neither Russia nor Qatar are meritocracies and ability and experience count for nothing’ said the President of the English Football Association, 28-year-old Prince William.
‘Unlike Britain both host countries lack the most basic democratic structures’ said David Cameron, himself only the 19th Prime Minister to have attended Eton.
His director of communications Rupert Murd…no, Andy Coulson added: ‘The Russian and Qatari media landscape is well suspect, too. Politicians are listening in on journalists’ voicemail messages and we all know it should be the other way round’.
FIFA’s official reasoning to award the World Cup to Abramovich was that Eastern Europe never hosted a World Cup, which is nonsense.
If only the English delegation would have had someone that actually follows football. They could have pointed out that at World Cup 2006 five games were played in Leipzig, Eastern Europe.
In fact, Leipzig is so far East you can see Sarah Palin’s house from there.
The Geordie Messiah thinks he couldn’t have done any more. David Beckham meanwhile doesn’t need to do any more. He has been given a Lifetime Achievement award at the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year ceremony for his mighty career haul of one non-domestic trophy.
This in itself demands another Lifetime Achievement award; by the UK’s Marketing Society.
I’m now off to Luton Airport to experience some of that fabled British Dunkirk spirit, and best case scenario, catch my plane home.
With all airports being rampacked it can’t be just me looking forward to the Islamification of Europe. There will be a lot less people travelling at Christmas and fares will be a lot cheaper too.
Have a great start to 2011 and if you’re still looking for Christmas presents and don’t want to go to the 24-hour garage…. ….tickets for Leicester, Glasgow, London are available below.